The Limits of Human Leadership

“Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely. Great men are almost always bad men.”
–Lord Acton, 1887

The Old Testament tells us that it was God’s plan that He be Israel’s king. That Israel look to Him to guide and direct them. After all, it was Him who extracted them from slavery in Egypt. It was Him who then led them to a new home, a land flowing with milk and honey. But His people had other thoughts. They wanted a human king, just like the other nations around them. “Give us a king to lead us,” they demanded of the prophet Samuel. God was not pleased; He knew the limits of a human leader. Are they sure?, He asked Samuel. Warn them. “But the people refused to listen to Samuel. ‘No!’ they said. ‘We want a king over us.’ ” 1 Samuel 8:19.

Sometimes God says “Yes” to our ill-advised demands and lets us experience the consequences of our choice. So He did with Israel. “When Samuel heard all that the people said, he repeated it before the Lord. The Lord answered, ‘Listen to them and give them a king.’ ” 1 Samuel 8:21-22. He gave them Saul as their king. Many kings followed him. Some were better than others. But all were human. And all had their faults. Having a man serve as king like all the other nations around them did not solve Israel’s problems. It made things worse. Much worse.

In the early 1930s, Germany was searching for a savior-leader too. Its humiliating defeat in World War I resulted in surrender terms that left the country an economic, political and military cripple. It looked to an Austrian wallpaper-hanger and his Nazi party to be its savior, to lead it back to the greatness to which it believed Germany was destined and deserved.

Two days after Adolf Hitler’s 1933 election as chancellor of Germany, a 26-year-old theologian named Dietrich Bonhoeffer gave a sermon that was broadcast over the new medium of radio. He warned against putting one’s complete trust in another human being as leader. (Adolf Hitler insisted on being called Der Fuehrer, literally “The Leader”.) Bonhoeffer argued that a good leader understands the limits of his or her authority and communicates those limits to the people whom he or she serves.

[I]f he does not continually tell his followers quite clearly of the limited nature of his task and of their own responsibility, if he allows himself to surrender to the wishes of his followers, who would always make him their idol–then the image of the Leader will pass over into the image of the mis-leader, and he will be acting in a criminal way not only towards those he leads but also towards himself. … He must lead his following away from the authority of his person to the recognition of the real authority of orders and offices. … He must let himself be controlled, ordered, restricted.*

Germans never got to hear Bonhoeffer’s full message; his speech was cut off before he finished. Der Fuehrer‘s reign over Germany had begun.

Don’t overlook one of Bonhoeffer’s key points. Responsibility lay not just with the leader to respect the limits of his or her office; it was the responsibility of those the leader serves to hold the leader to those limits and not to look to him as an all-wise and all-powerful savior who will sweep into office and solve all their problems. Savior-leaders always disappoint. Always.

America’s Founding Fathers–fresh from a conflict with King George III–understood the need to restrict a leader’s authority. They crafted a three-branch government in which the power of each branch was limited and each branch was charged with the responsibility of holding the other two in check. The president is not a king; he is not free to do whatever he decides is in the country’s best interest. Congress cannot pass any law it wishes; certain powers are reserved to the states and the other two branches. Judges are not free to make any ruling they desire. They cannot decide what the law should be; they may only take the law as it comes down to them from the other two branches and apply it.

And the Constitution that the Founding Fathers crafted gives ultimate responsibility to the People. (It begins: “We the People”.) It is our responsibility to refrain from demanding that our leaders do things for us that exceed their authority–demanding that they act as our savior, king or Fuehrer. It’s also our responsibility to remove them through the electoral process if they overreach and exceed their constitutional authority.

A leader must take responsibility to lead only within the limits of his or her power. Those whom the leader serves must take responsibility to hold the leader to those limits. If the leader and the followers fail to accept that responsibility, the cost can be staggering. Israel and its kings were ultimately conquered by Assyria and Babylon, its residents scattered all over the globe. It was not until 1948 that the nation of Israel re-appeared on world maps. And Adolf Hitler was the prime instigator of the horror that was World War II, a conflict that did not end until 50 million lives were lost.  One of those 50 million was Dietrich Bonhoeffer himself, executed by the Nazis just days before Germany surrendered.

*This post was inspired by and draws heavily from the outstanding biography of Dietrich Bonhoeffer published in 2010: Bonhoeffer: Pastor, Prophet, Martyr, Spy, by Eric Metaxas. It is well worth a read.

Top Ten Ways Fathers Accept Responsibility

Being a father is a big deal. Please don’t have sex with a woman unless you’re prepared to accept the responsibility of fathering the child who might result. Yes, there are lots of kids who are being raised by their moms with little or no help from Dad. And, yes, many of those children will turn out just fine thanks to the strong women who are raising them. But I wonder how many of those good women would refuse the involvement of a good man in the life of her child. Research shows that children with involved fathers do better in school, are less likely to engage in early sexual activity, are less likely to find themselves in juvenile court and have higher self-esteem. Being a father is a big deal.

Here’s a Father’s Day list of the ways dads can accept responsibility for their kids.

1. Marry your child’s mother. A marriage license is not “just a piece of paper”; it’s an outward sign of an inward commitment. This is not an unfamiliar concept to men. Gangs insist that new members get a tattoo. It’s not just ink and skin, it’s an outward sign of their inward commitment to the gang. Let a Sox fan rip the hat off a Cubs fan, and you’ll see pretty quickly that it’s not just a baseball cap. Your kid needs to know that you’ve made a commitment to her mother. Kids thrive on security and predictability. Your kid needs to know that you’ll be there in the morning. With mom. So marry her–if you haven’t screwed things up so royally that she won’t have you. Marry her. And love her.
2. Walk the walk. Men hold few people in lower esteem than a BS-er, an empty boaster. (In Texas, they say: “All hat, no cattle.”) No one respects a man whose big talk is not matched by his actions. And kids are no exception. Actions really do speak louder than words.  Be the person you want your kid to grow up to be. I saw this Father’s Day quote on my friend Dee’s FB page today: “He didn’t tell me how to live. He lived and let me watch him do it.” Clarence Budington Kelland.
3. Treat your kid’s mother with respect and courtesy. Yes, almost half of all marriages end in divorce. But no one really cares what terrible things your ex did to cause the divorce. Your kids certainly don’t.  One of the best things fathers can do after divorce is to say good things about their mother to his kids. Set aside personal differences and talk nicely to your ex about the kids. Your child needs to know that whatever it was that led to the divorce, mom and dad are united in their desire to do what’s best for me. And pay your child support.
4. Support your kid’s dream. I know it would kill you to see your kid fail, but don’t be the one to crush your kid’s dream by “being practical”. Don’t talk down a lofty Plan A by promoting a safe Plan B. What if young Barry Obama’s mother had told him that the chances of a biracial kid with an absent father growing up to be president were, well, close to non-existent? We really don’t know what our kids are capable of until we let them spread their wings and fly. Encourage them to dream, and dream big.
5. Protect your kids. Kids are small, vulnerable beings with poor judgment, not yet able to protect themselves from the world with all its danger and evil. They need a place to grow up, a place that is safe and secure.  Kids cannot focus on the things they need to do to become healthy functional adults unless they feel safe, secure and protected. You’re the dad. This is your job. Do it.
6. Say Yes. As a young dad I read books with the hope that they could help me tackle the perplexing  job of  fathering children. They were very little help. But I retained this one tidbit of wisdom: Say yes. Say yes whenever you can. Even when you’re tired or when it’s inconvenient or you’d planned to watch the big game, say yes. Unless  they ask something that’s dangerous or unhealthy or illegal or clearly against the rules of the household, say yes. Don’t let “No” be your default answer. Sooner or later–probably sooner–your kid will just stop asking because he’ll realize that you don’t care to be part of his life.
7. Break the cycle. Don’t be the prisoner of your past. Sure your dad was a jerk or a bully or worse. That doesn’t mean you have to be one. Never had a good fatherhood role model? Then find one. Commit that the generation-to-generation tradition of violence and abuse in your family stops with you. Be the dad you wish you’d had. You can do it. And your kid deserves it.
8. My kid is NOT #1. Show your kids that they are not everything to you. Yes, they should be a priority. Yes, being a good dad is one of the most important things you do in a lifetime. But they can’t think they’re your whole world. They need to know their place in the whole grand scheme of an adult’s life; the world does not revolve around them. You have a spiritual side, and you must show your kids that developing a faith relationship with God is crucial. They must know if they ever force you to pick sides between them and their mother, mom wins every time. They must know there are  parts of you besides “dad”:  job, exercise, friends, sports.
9. Spend time with them. Quality time does not make up for a lack of quantity time. Your kids need you to be with them. My friend Michelle recently noted this about parents and kids: “Life together is everything.” Absence punctuated by episodes of super-duper activity will not cut it with your kids. They need you to spend time with them. Be there on the ordinary days when nothing super-duper happens. Pay attention to them. Talk to them. Play with them. I know you’re exhausted after a hard day’s work, but do you really want your child’s most enduring memory of you to be the back of a newspaper?
10. Tell your kid you love her. Sure, you show her you love her in oh-so-many ways. You work hard. You put food on the table. You spent a weekend following impossible-to-understand instructions and built her that princess playhouse in the backyard. But your kid needs to hear it from your lips. Often. Hug her. (Don’t stop hugging when she hits puberty; she feels awkward enough about her changing body without her dad getting all weird.) And tell her you’re proud of her.

P.S.  Liz, Katie and Brian, I love you. Cadence and P., I love you too. And I love your mom and grandma.

Wisdom from The Godfather:

Apologizing Makes Me Feel Bad

Why is it so hard to apologize? Why am I reluctant to admit I was wrong? When a politician is brought down by scandal, why is it so often the cover-up that does the guy in? When it’s readily apparent to everyone else in the world that a full confession and a sincere apology are the right and the smart things to do, why does the wrongdoer turn instead to denials, excuses and finger-pointing? Why is acceptance of responsibility so difficult?

Trying to weasel out of a tough spot is not some new development in human history; it’s as old as time itself. When God was lonely and created a man and woman to keep Him company in the Garden of Eden, He had only one rule for them: don’t eat the forbidden fruit. Of course they ate anyway. And of course He caught them. (He is God after all.)  Any idiot would at that instant have realized that with fruit juice still dripping from my chin, the smart thing to do would be to confess and beg forgiveness. They didn’t. Adam blamed God for creating the woman and blamed the woman for giving him the fruit. Eve said the devil made her do it. God didn’t buy either story and banished them both from the Garden. Why is acceptance of responsibility so difficult?

An Australian study recently published in the European Journal of Social Psychology tries to answer that question. They found that well-crafted apologies confer a psychological benefit to the apologizer, but paradoxically, a refusal to apologize results in psychological benefit too. In its summary the authors of the study say:

Why would a harm-doer refuse to apologize even when it is clear that such an apology will reduce culpability and elicit (possibly unearned) forgiveness? Because the act of refusal results in greater feelings of power/control, value integrity, and self-worth (at least in the short-term), it is reasonable to predict an individual’s decision to withhold an apology may be partly motivated by basic psychological needs for autonomy  and consistency. [Citations omitted.]

Is this what the study’s authors are trying to say in plain English?

• Refusing to apologize preserves the illusion that I’m in control.
• Refusing to apologize continues what I perceive to be my dominance over victims of my actions.
• Refusing to apologize is consistent with an I-make-my-own-rules attitude.
• Refusing to apologize preserves my sense of self-worth.
• Refusing to apologize permits me to think that I’m better than ordinary mortals who make mistakes.
• Refusing to apologize means I can avoid the unpleasant and difficult process of making changes to my life.
• Refusing to apologize allows me to ignore the existence of a higher power, the rules of whom I must obey.
• Refusing to apologize increases the chance that I won’t have to face consequences for my poor choice.
• Refusing to apologize avoids the nasty truth that my actions do not always match my values.

And please note the two most important words in the paragraph quoted above: “short-term”. Anyone who has spent time with a four-year-old knows that they are all about the short-term. With his hand stuck in the cookie jar and chocolate chip smudged all over his face, he’ll loudly proclaim: “I didn’t do it!” The four-year-old wants to do what she wants to do when she wants to do it. The four-year-old is not eager to apologize. Acceptance of responsibility is not a trait that comes naturally to us. (Remember Adam and Eve?) But one hopes that as we grow we begin to realize that although apologizing–and otherwise accepting responsibility–is hard short-term, there are real and substantial long-range benefits to owning up to one’s failings. The psychological benefits of failure to accept responsibility are indeed brief.

For those of us who are not four years old, we should realize that apologizing actually improves our self-esteem in the long-term by allowing us to come to terms with who we really are: flawed human beings who try to do the right thing but often fall short. We benefit by releasing the I’m-just-fine-as-I-am attitude and doing the hard work needed to make positive changes in our lives. Acknowledging that we must bend to the will of a higher power is good too. He’s smarter than we are, and those ten rules He has in place are there for our own good. And, most importantly, accepting responsibility is just the right thing to do.

So, suck it up. Be brave. Do better than a four-year-old. Practice saying these three things: I did it. I’m sorry. How can I make things right?

NPR article about the study: http://www.npr.org/2013/04/01/175714511/why-not-apologizing-makes-you-feel-better

Link to the study itself: http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1002/ejsp.1901/full